Sleepless Nights

My friend Mary called one morning last week. At least, I think it was Mary. We were both a little fuzzy around the edges, not having slept well (i.e., at all). It could have been any one of a dozen women I know who haven't gotten a good night's sleep in years. We're like the walking dead. Chalk it up to age, I guess, and plummeting hormonal levels. We regularly discuss a common willingness to sell our souls for eight hours of uninterrupted shut-eye. (Listen up, Lucifer. The crossroads at midnight: Name your terms.)

"I'm considering acupuncture," said Mary. It seems somebody she knew took this route and thought it helped.

That's a drastic measure, in my estimation, but desperation drives us to extremes. So far, nothing has worked for me. I've tried a succession of herbal teas and supplements, over-the-counter sleep aids and prescription drugs. All had the curious effect of inducing varying degrees of grogginess, but not sleep. The next day I'd walk around in a stupor. It's like living in a twilight zone, never all the way awake or asleep.

"Do you think you're depressed?" asked my doctor.

To be honest, I'm just mostly tired - frazzled, sleep-deprived and ready to snap. So yeah, that's depressing.

It's interesting that it seems to be mostly women who, somewhere along the line, lose the ability to sleep on a regular basis. Most of us used to take it for granted that sleep would happen most nights. Now it seems like a gift.

Men, though, are another story. They can nod off at the drop of a hat, night or day, no problem.

"It's because we are pure of heart and have a clean conscience," my cousin Dennis says smugly. (Next time he falls asleep on the sofa I mean to beat him senseless.)

My friend Mike admits he's on my wavelength, sleeping at two-hour intervals, reading and calculating the remaining hours until daybreak. At his house, it's his wife who sleeps through the night without a glitch. Which leads me to put forward a theory about sleep patterns.

Rarely do both husband and wife get a dandy night's sleep or lie awake wide-eyed. It's as if for each household there's an appointed allotment of sleep hours. If one partner hogs all the sleep, then the other person might as well just forget about it. Get up and organize the sock drawer, brew a cup of chamomile and try not to wish evil upon your sleeping spouse.

If you're the lucky one in your house, well goody for you. If you're awake all night, know that you are not alone. There are legions of us out here, a veritable Insomniac Nation. Don't cross us. We're on the edge.

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